i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
