tonight lets celebrate not being married
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
