You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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