On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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