I heard we made out
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
It's blow job season.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Randomize
