guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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