I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
