I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
