You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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