What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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