"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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