Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
