Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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