he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
