how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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