Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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