ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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