theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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