Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Semen is not good for contacts.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
