Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
