We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Randomize
