winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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