You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
