My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
