I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
