I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
