That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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