I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
