So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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