Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
