Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize