I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
