im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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