There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
