just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
