I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
