You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
