I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
