having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
