Already got asked if we're dating
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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