i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
You were trust falling into bushes
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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