they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
