I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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