did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
