my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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