i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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