i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
