420 ftw
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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