then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
