My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize