I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
