God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
