It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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