I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
