she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
