In America we eat man semen.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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