i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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