well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
