im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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