One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
